The Bane(s) of My Existence

Why hello there. Thank you for clicking. Lol I'm ever so grateful (I sound like Lyla from Hey Arnold!) that you're taking the time out to read what lil' ole me has to write. Thank you.

What are the banes of my existence? Well I'm a university student, a 90s baby and unemployed. You guessed it: anxiety and depression. Moving to England really shook me up. I was not ready in any way, shape or form. I was able to cope doing my A Levels because it was a similar routine I had to follow. Go to school everyday and study. I ended up making a friend on my first day and she knew other people so I made a few more friends. I thought I had my shit together, guys. I was doing so well. I was resilient. I even failed 2 exams but I retook them and got an A and a B. (toot toot).

Then came University. Y'all..

Depression hit me like how that trash bag hit that little boy that was trying to prank his dad. Unfortunately, coming from a Caribbean background where depression isn't a "thing" or it isn't spoken about much, I didn't know what was happening to me. All I knew was that getting out of bed should not be this hard; 'normal' people open their curtains and let some light in; showering should be a thing; eating should be a thing; talking to other people should also be a thing..and I could really get more gruesome but I'll spare you those details. I cried every. single. day. I would cry because I woke up. I would cry because I couldn't sleep and sleep was my only escape. I would cry because I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling and I would cry because it felt like my loved ones couldn't tell the extent of my situation. I would cry when I said something and was met with responses that did little to no help. "Nobody understands." But that's not true. Maybe they just didn't know how to communicate either.

Anxiety was one that I REALLY didn't get. I had heard about depression and I know people get anxious but to 'have Anxiety' was foreign to me. So even if that was suggested to me, I wouldn't understand where to begin. I just knew I had a lot of stuff to do and thought it had to be done today. I thought about it everyday but what changed except the date? Anxiety reminded me of everything I needed to be doing and depression made it its duty to make sure I got none of it done. The only word I can think of for right now is helpless. To those who have not experienced it, it looks like laziness, lack of ambition, self-pity, an array of qualities that invite feelings of disgust and disappointment towards those going through it (if you don't believe they're legit anyway). To those who have experienced it, you already know. If you managed to still do your daily duties, kudos to you for being a trooper. I wish I had what you have.

I've tried different coping mechanisms (because a "cure" for these things isn't always likely) some of which were suggested to me by counsellors and pastoral office support etc. I even resorted to pills at one point. I didn't take them for more than 2 days: one, because I'm not an advocate for popping pills except multivitamins (my personal belief); two, I didn't want to be that person. That person who had gotten so bad that they needed to rely on pills. I was not willing to accept that. I'm not saying pills don't work, that people shouldn't take them or anything of the sort. There are people out there who are better for having taken them. That just wasn't the resolve for me. I didn't want to treat symptoms. I wanted to live my life free from anxiety and depression; not just free from the symptoms. You already know Mary Jane was on my to do list. Unfortunately, I wasn't using it to heal. I was using it to escape. So once I came down from my high, it was right back to the dungeon. It let me experience (and remember what it felt like to have) good times though, and I will forever be grateful for those moments.

My life began improving last year September/October. Mind you, last year June I was more than ready to be done with this life. Hell yes I wanted to overdose on some shit (and thank God I only managed to pop one pill to start it off before I stopped myself). And I'll be honest. What really stopped me was the idea that I wouldn't end up dying; what if I just ended up in a whole lot of pain in hospital instead? I didn't want to be one of the people that survived an attempt. And I couldn't think of a way that would complete the job 100%. No I didn't think about anybody else. And I used to say suicide is selfish but now I realise there are just times where you don't want to have to think about anybody else. You know what you're going through, you want it to stop now and you can't see how it's going to stop any time soon. Except via death. Ironically, that's when people learn what they "would've done" if they had known or what they "should've done" or "could've done". (Check out my blogpost, 'The Death Perspective' if you haven't yet. You won't regret it, I promise). But thankfully, I gave myself a chance (even though I really just wasn't ready to survive an attempt- the pain, the stares and the rumours? No thank you).

One of the main conversations I remember that happened just before a revelation of mine in September was with my friend, Anushka. The things she said to me let me view things a little differently. I went from looking at life as happening to me and realised I can make life happen for me. I was in control. I had the ability to choose exactly how I wanted to feel. My depression was a result of me not taking control when I was supposed to. Granted, I didn't know how and I didn't know that's what was required, but it was still a result of my actions/inaction. And I am grateful for every experience that I've been through because I get to share it with somebody who feels like there's no hope. Somebody, somewhere feels how I felt. Hopeless. But y'all know my belief is that there is beauty in adversity. And my duty is to find it. I've been criticised for being too optimistic, for being idealistic, for being "airy fairy" and even for seeming "happy all the time." But those people just didn't understand that that was my lifeline. Without that, I don't know where I would be right now. If I didn't believe in a silver lining/lesson in EVERY situation, I would not be where I am today. That's a guarantee.

One of my goals in life is to be the person I didn't have when I needed it. So even when I go through something on my own, I take solace in the fact that the next person doesn't have to. I'm grateful for my strength to endure it (even though a nigga could catch a break!) and I'm grateful if there is only one person who finds hope, courage, strength to believe that their best days are not behind them through reading my words. Taking responsibility for my position in life was the best thing I could do for myself. Because it made me realise that the power to change the situation was within me. If I kept blaming everybody else for my situation, how was I meant to come out of it? I had to look for my part to play. After all, it is MY life. I'm the only one experiencing MY life. I'm dealing with the consequences of MY decisions or lack thereof. And only today I was able to realise just how in control of my emotions I am.

I went through something maybe two months ago and then something else almost a month ago. Let me tell you. Those situations caused me to grow up A HELL OF A LOT in a short space of time. Within those two months, my feelings of loneliness began to increase daily. Up until yesterday I was crying thinking about how lonely I felt. And I don't mean without company, I just meant, feeling like I couldn't be who I am when I am alone with anybody else. This new person (don't get me wrong..I love her to death..she bomb af) was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the areas in life she knew could be better. But her feelings of dissatisfaction came quicker than her ability to express what exactly she wanted. So the relationships I wanted to improve, for example, I reached out to them. In hindsight, maybe I should've given myself some more time to figure out how to say what I wanted to say because these conversations did not go too well. I started feeling like I was losing so many friends/family members. I barely talked to anybody.

How did I use my superpower today? Anxiety and depression started creeping up on me recently because so many things were finally going right but my mind was programmed for things to go wrong. I know how to handle when things go wrong because that's what I'm used to. And a lot of the time, whether consciously or subconsciously, I sabotage my blessings because I don't trust myself to know what to do when things go right. Might sound silly but I swear to you. Part of me is unsure of my ability to handle the responsibilities that come when things go right. But what I learnt was that I rather be uncomfortable knowing I'm bettering myself than be uncomfortable in a stagnant place. So I wrote today. And I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.

I called my cousin after I wrote (s/o to you Debs lol) and she is who really inspired me to write this one. She reminded me that if you're going through a struggle, chances are someone else is too. And if you've found something that works for you, it could work for somebody else too.

I began writing in my journal (my safe space lol) and the key to writing for me is RAW honesty. I write as if nobody is going to see which means nobody is going to judge which means I am free to say EXACTLY what I feel. It is the most liberating experience when I do that. If I feel jealous, angry, envious, horny, resentful I say EXACTLY that. And once I've done that, I'm able to look at my situation a little more objectively. I can sort my thoughts out a little better. Now I can ask myself why I feel a certain way. I can question what thoughts led to those emotions and figure out if these thoughts are warranted. Where they're not, I get rid of them and the emotions definitely go with them. Where they are, I do some introspection which always ends up with me becoming a better person for having done it. After I write how I feel, I write out the lessons I'm meant to learn. Even if it's from somebody I don't like. I have something to learn from everybody and every situation. I can't let my ego block my 'blessons' (get it?..aa lawwl I slay me).

When I started writing in my journal, every 2 minutes I'd get distracted and pick up my phone or my tablet thinking "oh I forgot to do this" or "I forgot to do that". The more I wrote, the more I stayed focused. Every time I wrote what my brain was doing (distracting me, making me lose focus - what its used to doing) it stopped doing it as time went on. Eventually I managed to focus solely on what I was writing. I started feeling less anxious the more I wrote. I was starting to understanding the thoughts behind my depressive emotions and that tends to help me find ways to combat it. For the anxiety, once I finished writing out everything, I made a to do list. Every single thing my mind was telling me "hey if you don't do this today your life will crumble". Once I wrote it out, I started crossing out the things I realised I don't actually HAVE to do. Then I started ticking off the things I could realistically get done in the upcoming week. Then from that, I REALISTICALLY picked out the things I could get done today. If I chose one thing that day, then that's because that's what I could do that day. After I've done that, I pick which one I'm going to do first and I start doing it. I don't give myself a chance to think about it. Because I live in my thoughts lol. I will think and think and never execute. I've given up on giving myself a time to start things because I've learnt myself lol. I don't follow that. It just gives me a reason to procrastinate. So I start now. Because that's what works for me. If you can stick to the times you set for yourself then more power to you. Teach me your ways, senpai.

I leave you with this: everybody is going through something no matter how happy they appear to be. And the happier you seem, the more people try to attack you. They want to be able to be as happy as you seem, unaware of what you've had to do to achieve that. Do not be envious of others. Stop worrying about what other people "seem" to be. Focus on what you want to BE.

Now I going and drink my luhwojet to go and sleep. Good night