An Art of Prayer

Firstly, the person I am now having had these revelations has learnt to begin everything with gratitude. So thank you thank you thank you for taking the time out to read this. You could've been doing anything else, but you're reading this. I love you and I thank you for the support. Even if you do not share it in a public space, I pray my words affect you in a way that they are shared by your actions as a result of new insights about yourself. Namaste.

Initially, I was thinking of putting the title as, "The Art of Prayer". But after hearing a beautiful soul's understanding of my posts, I've decided to mirror that understanding even more. Thank you Riade for your kind words. For seeing my posts as my understanding of the truth and not as me trying to assert what THE truth IS. This is my take on prayer; how I do it and how it works for me. "The Art of Prayer" reads better but "An Art of Prayer" reads truer to my outlook.

So my amazing and beautiful (or did she ask me to say amazeballs) cousin, Kirsty, and I went to a concert last night by Elhae. Her best friend, Kadeem, was opening for him and he was excellent! He's a very talented musician (plays the keyboard). We drank a lil sumn before and during the concert and I smoked a lil sumn afterwards. I've developed a new insight about Mary Jane and I hold the herb in the highest regard. When Bob said it reveals you to your true self, it was not a word of a lie. And I keep seeing that more and more. We went to Five Guys afterwards where I had a real veggie burger. There was no patty. It was literally grilled vegetables in a bun. I enjoyed it! For some reason, I really appreciated that experience. It might seem insignificant but it triggered some really interesting thoughts for that night. I was super wavy and got really quiet because indulging reveals what's going on under the surface with me. The thoughts I usually suppress and the insecurities I usually seem to be dealing with well, all come up at once. I realised once I'm in the presence of strangers or people I'm not sure I can be completely vulnerable with, I just remain quiet. A lot goes on in my mind on the regular anyway, so once I've indulged, it triples. I think that is where my prayers began. And by prayer, I mean my meditation and conversation with God. (I wrote An Ode to Marijuana in my journal in the wee hours of the morning that I might share some day.) And by "God" I mean my highest self. When I view God this way, it becomes easier to follow her will. Her voice is familiar, she feels familiar and it's all personal. I vow to trust my intuition before I trust the words of other men and unfamiliar voices and words.

Once my cousin and I got back home, we went to the bathroom to release the oceans accumulating in our bladders after a night of drinking. I was still in prayer mode. We ended up having a beautiful heart to heart. Obviously I cried. I'm a big crier. I never know why people are surprised to hear that. I'm so intrigued by what I seem like to people who don't KNOW me. Just has always been a curiosity of mine. Anyway... due to me being in prayer mode, the God in me was speaking to directly to the God in her. I heard her speak about the advancements made in her and Kadeem's friendship (20 years) and the new lights they see each other in as they've gotten older. And I'm now realising the advancements made in our relationship. She is truly one of my bestest friends. We're VERY different but the only thing needed in common between two people who are so different is mutual understanding and respect and a lack of judgment. If we only have THAT in common, it's enough. I felt my love grow. Not just for her but for myself and in turn, everybody else I deem important in my life, near and far.

Speaking about being in prayer mode alongside drinking and smoking might seem a bit unorthodox to some, but it makes complete sense to me. My highest self is judging me based on my heart and my intentions. I seek nobody else's approval. She knows best. God knows best. 

We left the bathroom and went to the bedroom to get ready for bed. My mom was still awake and the three of us shared a few laughs and stories before bed. Yup, still in prayer mode. I remember when my family used to pray together at night. One night we were doing our usual sharing after prayer about stories you felt safe to finally tell lol. It was an opportunity to snitch on yourself and not get in trouble (and to learn about my parents before they had us - sometimes we forget they lived their life too). We were all talking and I said to my mother, "Mommy! We didn't make the sign of the cross to finish our prayers." And she replied, "all this is part of the prayer." I was young for sure but I remember having a different outlook on prayer from then. I realised I didn't have to act like I was speaking to some strict headteacher or be a stick in the mud to have a conversation to the source that created me before I was a concept in my own mother's mind. God knows ME. There's no need to pretend to be something else when it's time to talk. I talk to God any time and any where. I've seen people swear/curse in their prayers and all I saw was somebody speaking to their God in a language they understand. At the end of the day, it's words; a form of communication. In a conversation with God, I cannot tell you how to speak to your God and you cannot tell me how to speak to mine. As long as we're receiving the messages. 

When everybody went to bed, God wanted to continue speaking to me. Have a little one on one time. And when I tell you my God makes zero mistakes. What might seem like a mistake TO ME is my ego expressing its displeasure with not getting what I thought was for me. I had written in my journal two days ago after having done a tarot reading for myself. In that entry, I asked my angels/ancestors for guidance. My reading had a common thread of vigilance. I was being reminded to be vigilant; to be present. I looked up the meaning of the word "vigil" that night and I remember it saying remaining awake during hours meant to be asleep for whatever cause. Little did I know my own vigil was approaching. When I asked for help to be more vigilant, I didn't expect this. But of course, it was exactly what I needed. My mother had put on some audio for her to go to sleep. I stayed up and listened to that thing play on a loop for hours. I didn't go to bed until minutes to 7 in the morning. It was basically a set of affirmations meant to seep into your subsconscious as you sleep. They were so beautiful. They reminded me of all the things I believe to be true. I was so proud to know that it was my mother playing it. I don't know why but I just didn't expect her to be interested in those words. It seemed a little contradictory to her faith in the Catholic church but maybe she's found a way to marry the two. 

My body was definitely tired. My mind was exhausted! But my soul had never felt more alive. That let me know who/what is truly in control; what is truly in the driver's seat. My soul was up. And my body had to abide. Sleep was not on the agenda. My mother and Kirsty kept waking up to ask me why I hadn't been asleep yet. My dumbass in the bed shedding tears because I felt so loved that they were concerned about why I was up. I told y'all I am THE CRIER. Lol I'm crying right now! But I love crying. I remember having a conversation with my friend, Jelani (big up yourself Silva) about crying. He didn't think I was a crier. I invited him to have a cry session with me but he turned me down lol. One day I will get it though. But in talking to him, I was explaining that when I cry, that in itself is an affirmation for me. Once I cry about something, it's a signal to let me know that something is going right. I am a firm believer in the idea of emotions being a reflection of your inner most thoughts. I don't react on emotion..or at least I try my best not to. The 10 seconds I take to calm down, I try to find the root of my emotion aka the thought. I interact with my thoughts. My emotions just let me know how well I'm doing that. So when I cry, it is because I've found a missing piece to a puzzle, I've found the missing link in the solution to a problem I've been having, I've been blessed to watch somebody else evolve their consciousness no matter how small the step, I've been able to grieve by myself or with somebody about closing a chapter in their life and welcome a new one. Every time I cry, I feel powerful. I feel sure. That's just me though. Crying is the physical display of a connection being made in my brain. I am always grateful for connections. I look forward to crying (except when it catches me in public or in front of somebody I'm not ready to cry in front of - although I would quicker cry in front of strangers lol). 

(A literal representation of me when I pray)

When I pray, I'm either asking my angels/ancestors for something within my control or I'm expressing gratitude. I need to specify that first part. I've never known myself to ask God/my angels/ancestors to make a relationship last, to receive a certain material object or to receive anything that is not already within me. I don't hear God say no to me much. But when I hear no, I know it's because my ego asked and not me. My ego didn't do a check in with ME before asking. When I pray, I ask for gratitude, humility and strength. I ask for gratitude so that I remain in the present and take full advantage of the time I have TODAY; I want to ensure I do not take the people and things in my life for granted. I need to make sure I am not taking myself for granted. When I ask for humility, I ask to remain grounded. I ask to not get carried away by man's approval. I ask to remember whose approval I should truly be seeking. I ask to enjoy the moments of praise enough and not to the point where I've forgotten who I am and my true purpose. Life comes in tides. Happy moments don't last but neither do sad moments. Once a moment is gone, it is gone forever. Lessons remain. And even lessons can sometimes change. I ask for strength because no matter what life throws at me, I want to be able to handle it. I want to be a living testimony that there is beauty in adversity. Because adversity will always remain, how you respond to it will determine your quality of life. I do not attempt to control that which I know is not within my control. I see people say they know they can't control x ALL THE TIME and I see them continue to try to control x. I know it's hard to relinquish control but my pronoia reminds me that God's plan for me is greater than my own (if you've read Charlamagne's book, he makes the beautiful distinction between your own GPS and God's GPS. God's GPS is the most updated app and will always be. It has routes for roads that aren't on our own maps yet. Let your faith guide you - faith is easy when times are good but it is sometimes our only hope when times are rough. Use it.). 

You're always being told to be careful what you wish for and I say, be careful what you pray for. If I was to pray for my relationship to last, I am asking for the unknowns that come along with it. If I remain in a relationship that is not beneficial just for the sake of remaining in a relationship, I must endure everything that comes with it..good and bad. This is fine until the relationship becomes one sided or even abusive. I do not ask for friendships to last. I ask for God to grant me strength to remove myself from a draining situation, and the understanding to know things WILL be okay even if they don't seem that way right now and the things I give up are in order to make room for something BETTER. I do not ask to receive material things. I ask God to remind me to enjoy what I have while I have it so when it leaves me or it is time to leave it behind, I am comforted knowing I maintained the value of it even while having it. I am comforted knowing I didn't take it for granted and it has served its purpose in my life and now it is time for another page or another chapter. It is time for somebody else to reap its rewards. 

My angels/ancestors are THE BEST. When I tell you I am never truly alone. I feel their presence all the time. And I am blessed to have one of my ancestors in the physical with me right now (big up yourself Granny). Kirsty and I shed some real tears thinking about losing her. We were saying how not ready we were but the way Zette speaks sometimes..she's ready lol. She's 96 for Pete's sake. The woman has LIVED! When she goes, I will see it as her going to prepare the foundation for her family for when we go to meet her in the next world. She did an amazing job here on earth and I could only imagine what she'll be upto over there. That being said, I was quickly reminded that she could outlive me! Lol who is to say I won't pass before her? Now that one really broke my heart. I was telling Kirsty I think I'd want my family to tell her I moved somewhere far away instead of telling her I died. But again, that's me trying to control things outside my control. 

Whew...that was a long stretch. If you've made it to this point, you a real OG. Thank you for sticking around. I only ended up getting a couple hours of sleep but I feel rejuvenated. I no longer feel the tiredness that sleep can't cure. So tonight, I can guarantee I will sleep like a baby! (A non feeding baby that doesn't wake up every 2 or 3 hours for totot.) I am grateful for the tiredness I do feel now because I know it can be cured by sleep. I am grateful to have cured my soul's tiredness. 

Who am I?

I am my word. My word is my philosophy. My philosophy is the way I view life. The way I view life is reflected in my actions and how well my words match my actions. Your actions truly speak on your behalf. Be very mindful of them. Align them with your word, not others' expectations of you. I avoid judgment where I can but when I do judge (because I know I do, I am only human) I judge people's actions based on their word. I do not judge people by my standards, I judge them by theirs. That's why I can love the shit out of people like Charlamagne and Cardi B; an ex con/crack dealer and an ex stripper/stripper hoe. They love and live their truth. And I respect the hell out of that. I do not have to be the person I was yesterday if that person didn't serve me well but I will damn sure be the person who has been chugging along every step of the way trying to do right by me.

I imagined myself moving back home and having to reintroduce myself to my friends and family (a seed planted in my mind by Lauryn Hill in her MTV Unplugged album). Kinda like a "coming out" meeting. (Now before y'all get politically correct on me, coming out is not exclusive to homosexuals. There are homosexuals who have never needed to "come out" because they've never felt the need to hide.) A lot about who I am, I have tried to hide. For fear of rejection; for fear of being misunderstood; for fear of losing people I love; for fear of loneliness. When a gay person "comes out" it is their way of beginning to live their truth on their terms. They are ready to be THEMSELVES. That is the essence of "coming out". And if you do not feel the need to do that then take solace in the fact that your environment and mind have never made you feel the need to hide. Be grateful for that. 

Do not be distracted by words. Words are important, yes, but do not allow semantics to distract you. Capture the essence of what is being said to you by communicating it in your own words. I take lessons and philosophies from nearly all religions because the essence of what is being taught resonates with me. I do not have accept the entire religion. The same way we say you do not have to agree with everything somebody you like/love does; I do not have to agree with the entire religion to benefit from it. I take what resonates with me and makes me better and leave the rest to God. I know there are people who are very critical of this stance; especially bible bashers. "People like to pick and choose what to take from the bible." Uhhhh no shit? EVERYBODY does it. Whether you eat pork, you're gay, having premarital sex, stealing, committing adultery, blaspheming, being judgmental, there is a part of the bible that you are not giving its due diligence because it will conflict with who you believe you are. What intrigues me more is what parts of the bible people to choose to take on and what they choose to ignore. That tells me more about the person than anything else. Think about that. 

Thank you again for letting me vulnerable with you. Thank you for reading. My heart is full and my love is pure! And anybody who wants to have a cry sesh, just message me! You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. If you just want to cry about something, then we can cry together (preferably in person). If your heart is heavy, please please please, know that it does not have to be. You were not meant to live in eternal suffering. I promise you. Even if you don't come to me, please have at least one person you can do that with; an environment that allows you to be you in all your crying mess and conflicted thoughts and feelings. 

Namaste. Ashe. Maktub. Masha'Allah. Amen. I see you.