Home, Bittersweet Home

I'm so grateful for all the lessons and the support I've been getting having moved back home. It really has not been an easy transition and it is still not complete. I hope to eventually find the peace that I thought being back in St. Lucia would grant me. Until then, I'll just be learning these lessons and trying to keep up my optimism and faith. 

I want to express myself as clear as possible and as honest as possible about my experience moving back so I'll give a few stories about the different areas of my life.

Once I set foot back in St. Lucia and I felt that warmth, I was a happy critter. I smiled all the way home. My friend..scratch that..my sister, Nicole, came to meet me at home with a macaroni pie with the words, "Welcome home, sweet patat" written in ketchup on the top. It might not seem like much but man, I could've cried right there and then. I got to finally meet her daughter (my adopted Godchild now) and obviously we fell in love. It really made me believe that this was what would set the precedent of my move back home; that love, warmth, acceptance and those welcoming gestures. I went to a house warming party that night with my brother (Theo) and I also felt my bond with him grow again. We might not agree on many things but I love how comfortable he is being vulnerable with me and I love that he allows me to be myself even if he might poke fun sometimes, but that's his jovial nature. 

By the next day, reality would start to kick in. I was on my way to lunch with a good friend of mine (Ryan) when my dad says, "we need to talk" and gives this look as if I've done something wrong. Not wanting to have that weight on my chest, worrying about what I did, while I'm trying to dine with my friend, I decided to have the conversation there and then. 

"About what?"

"You"

"In regards to?"

"Your studies."

So he let me know his expectations, more or less, and reminded me that I've come to live and that I haven't come on vacation. Now, having already beat up on myself about that, having to hear it again with the added feelings of disappointment from a parent is very discouraging. I tried to take it in stride but when I got back home, I still felt uneasy. I spoke to my spiritual sis, Leona, and she gave me the courage to have a second conversation with my dad. I told him that I felt as though me having gone out the night before and me going to lunch that day wasn't intended to set the precedent of what I intend to be doing while I'm here. And although I do plan to be productive, I am not going to deny myself a balanced life. I will probably go out every now and again, go to lunch or to a party or to the beach...and that is not "holiday" life. That is the life living in the Caribbean. We came to an understanding that balance was indeed the key.

A couple days later, I went to the late Fox's funeral on behalf of a friend. It was my first time being in the presence of such a large crowd of St. Lucians. The collective energy that I picked up on..guys..it was a real eye opener. Not only was I back living with my parents after 7 years being left to my own devices and having to reintegrate into that dynamic, but I had to reintegrate into the dynamic of your every move being watched by thousands of people. I started feeling insecure almost immediately. Hearing people speak about you in Creole because they think you won't understand. Hearing people TRY to whisper about you and watching their friends glance at you so they could add a face to the story they were being told..it felt so overwhelming and so unnecessary. Hearing people talk about Flambeaus not being welcomed to the funeral because Fox was a "Laybah".. Is this what I have to look forward to? And as much as you might know me and England doe mix..I started thinking about moving back. I reached rock bottom in England and tried to expand my mind and learn about the world and the universe and spirituality and I felt like I came back to a place where none of that mattered. I felt like an alien. 

Part of me is getting an urge to feel like I need to explain myself so people do not think I'm putting Lucians down but all that is stemming from the insecurities that have resurfaced having been here. I'm simply trying to be as honest about MY experience as possible. It is MY reality not THE reality. 

After my alien experience, I went to speak to my dad to ask him how I'm meant to adjust to this. My father reads every single day, he's taking a course at university, runs a business amongst other things. In his own right, he is an alien. So I sought his advice on how to be myself in that kind of environment. How to not let myself succumb to the energy around me but to imprint my own energy on my surroundings. My fears around that were being seen as arrogant, as a know-it-all, as if I think I too nice or I too stoosh...just the basics things you hear when you try to do better for yourself. Yes I want to be myself but I also want to be able to interact with the people that I'm surrounded by on a daily basis. And for the life of me, I could not find a way to do that without being rejected or being called crazy or being laughed at. I started to confine my circle to a select few. I became somewhat scared to talk to people for too long. 1. Because I don't do small talk but I would engage in it to be polite but only for so long and 2. I'm bound to start looking for deeper conversations and not everybody is comfortable with that. So when I would say hello to people, I would try to make it as brief as possible. It might come off as if I don't want to speak to you but that was really my only way to protect my energy at that time. I started messaging the people in St. Lucia who I felt could relate to what I was going through and I intend to meet up with all of them before summer is over. 

A few days ago, I ended up in heated conversation with my father that really just sent me deeper into that sunken place. I thought we had understood the idea of balance. What he was telling me at the time felt really unfair. And even in that space, I was trying to understand where he was coming from. That concept of "being understanding" has become very difficult for me because it has rarely ever felt reciprocated. Where I thought it was, it would sometimes turn out to not be the case. Anyway, that conversation left me with even more self doubt, more insecurities and more things to worry about. My relationship with my mother also began revealing the things I can expect to endure living here. In no way, shape or form is this going to be a walk in the park. Yes, the work will yield beautiful results but there is A LOT of work to do.

In addition to that, I started a relationship with...I really don't even know how to describe him. Basically, anything I ever prayed for in a man, any list I ever wrote down about what I want in a man, I think God was just like "okay here." Sounds beautiful right? Tell me why my mind is not letting me enjoy this man. I am even hesitant right now to speak about him because those little insecurities have me wanting to lowkey threaten him. Like if you see I write all these nice things about you and you fuck me over, everybody is going to die. And the reason why I'm so hesitant is because just before he became my Love, I had written off the possibility of somebody like him existing. I did not want a relationship. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, maybe two and a half months earlier. I didn't know if I could trust my judgement. I felt as though I would be judged for "hopping into another relationship." I felt like my parents would be doubting my judgement as well (they knew about the abusive relationships. I've been in two. They found out about the first one while talking to me about the second one). I felt they would think that I'm losing sight of my priorities because I have things to do but I "thinking about man." I've introduced him to my mom, not as my Love but..lol baby steps guys. It makes me embarrassed to feel as though at twenty-four years old, I cannot be open about my love life with my parents. (Look I start crying smh). I mean in most Caribbean households, there is sexism and double standards. So although my brother had a child at 21 and both of them have had women sleep over, I am still always very hesitant to simply let my family know about the existence of a significant other in my life. I've told Theo though (to which he responded "you have a man already" which is the kind of thinking I was scared of). 

Anyway, yesterday I had an episode that really made me realise how deep my insecurities and trust issues run. As much as I was telling myself that I deserve good things, when good things happened to me, I wouldn't let them be. Yesterday, I saw a wounded soul. Somebody who was so used to unhealthy relationships (not just intimate ones) being the norm that when I was granted healthy ones, I doubted the hell out of them. There must be a catch. Since my focus was on my insecurities and everything that was wrong with me, I just couldn't understand why I had people who still wanted to love me in that state. My friends Megan, Solange, Rudy, Amanie and Tresha really gave me a boost this week. I am so grateful to and for them. I lost sight of the Eva that I had worked so hard on. I lost sight of her because it felt as though everybody around me had lost sight of her too. Or maybe they never even knew her. But those who had the chance to meet her came to remind me that she's still there. Under all the self-doubt, insecurities and trust issues, she's waiting for you to go back to her. "You are not other people's opinion of you." That had to become a daily mantra for me. 

My cousin, Debbie, and I had a talk before I came to St. Lucia. She was telling me that I would come across maybe another man who would exhibit the same traits I overlooked in my unhealthy relationships. And it would be a test for me to be able to recognise them and not allow myself to be part of another relationship like that. Well..the universe had other plans for me. My two abusive exes were VERY insecure. They didn't feel they deserved my love so they would lash out at me. (They both ended because of physical abuse but the emotional and verbal abuse was always present). I started to understand what it felt like to be loved unconditionally by somebody when you were finding it so hard to love yourself. It just didn't make sense. It was hard to receive it. It was hard to believe in it. You never feel like you'll be enough for this person. Their solution was to try to bring me down to their level and to make me feel worthless. To try to turn me into a monster so they could say "aha..I knew it was too good to be true." And I started doing that to my Love. I was adamant to find out what his flaws were. I legit asked him. And he actually told me. But then once I realised that I was going down the same path as my exes, I stopped myself. I started working on healing those insecure parts of me. I started working harder on becoming the woman I felt he deserved. The woman I deserve to be. The woman I owe myself and God. 

And in doing that, I stopped taking in these events as "things going wrong." I stopped making judgements about the energy of Lucians. I started being more accepting of my reality. And where I saw hardship, I began to see lessons. I began to see opportunity. The energy of Lucians encourages me to become strong willed; to establish and maintain a backbone. I found an opportunity to learn how to become confident where you might be down talked at every corner. I can learn how to persevere in the face of adversity. I will learn to make it my responsibility to think the best of myself regardless of what anybody else thinks. If I can find my confidence and backbone here, I am set for life. 

In the blog that I posted yesterday, I felt insecure writing the entire thing. Luckily, Franny commented and asked me about the fears that I spoke about that made me hesitant to want to write again. And it made me realise that this is what I should be writing. My blog yesterday was me wanting to get back out there but I was not confident about it at all. Usually I can post not needing any type of approval. Just having written and published it would be enough for me. But last night I kept refreshing to see if people had liked or commented to see if they could tell that I had fell off. To see if they could tell that I lost my mojo lol. It didn't feel good. So thank you Franny for asking that question. That small gesture of knowing at least one person actually cares to hear what you have to say does wonders for the soul. 

I lost a lot having moved home. I lost long time friends. I lost close friends. I lost material stuff. I lost my confidence. I lost my drive. I lost my ambition. I lost my joy. And I am grateful for all of it. I now have the opportunity to choose the type of people I want around me. I can choose who I allow in my circle. Anywhere I feel like I need to become less of myself or change who I am is not the place for me. I have the opportunity to rebuild my confidence and make it ten times stronger than before. I have all the resources to bring me that peaceful and joyous life that I was seeking when I moved. I need to work on healing the parts of me that believe I do not deserve these things. It's not always that what you want isn't there, but your own mind blocks you from seeing them as yours for the taking. Everything you want is already yours. 

Sometimes your welcome home is a hard dose of reality. And that's okay.