'Ungrateful'

Thank you so much for the out pour of love from my last post. It is now my most read post :D and still being read. So thank you thank you thank you. I realised I focused a lot on the tough parts (or at least I think I did) but I didn't mention nearly as much the love I've been receiving from unexpected places, the new friendships I've formed, the support I've been getting from unexpected places. So thank you. I might not have gotten everything I expected but I got a lot of what I didn't expect and tbh, it was worth the loss.

And not everything, either...

Thinking about how I didn't highlight the good as much as the bad, I started to ponder on a few things. Along with some other situations here and there, I started to wonder about what it means to be 'ungrateful'.

I'm pretty sure you've either been called ungrateful before or you've called someone ungrateful. Maybe we call other people ungrateful quicker than we call ourselves ungrateful. Understandable. Our human nature causes us to be judge and jury of other people's actions and lawyers for our own. We defend and justify our actions, so we do not class them as negatively as we might class others' behaviours. Behind our actions, we have subconscious desires, conscious motives, intentions, agendas, trauma, habits ingrained from childhood, conditioned responses, etc. We are in our own heads so we have access to almost all of this information. So of course we don't deem our actions as 'bad' (because being ungrateful is seen as a bad thing) because we are not the ones negatively affected by our behaviour. Our actions are only 'good' or 'bad' depending on how it affects others. Actions are just that..actions. Its 'goodness' or 'badness' and 'rightness' or 'wrongness' is simply relative to its effects. So who is responsible for someone being ungrateful? The person perceiving what the other has done as 'ungrateful'? Or the person being deemed 'ungrateful'?

Quick side lesson though:

That being said, trying to do the 'right' thing or the 'good thing' is sometimes a dead end road. Avoiding mistakes is the quickest way to make them. Do what serves your higher self and act accordingly to the consequences. And by higher self, I mean the 'you' that you envision when you think of your success story, your glo up. If it is truly in line with who you want to be, accepting the consequences will probably be less excruciating - as long as you remain aware of the bigger picture and what you are ultimately working towards. Like I said earlier, not everything/everyone you lose is a loss. Losing a few battles can give you an advantage in winning the war if used correctly.

I'll post more about this in another blog so stay tuned.

Okay and we're back:

There is such a thin line between being ungrateful and being unsatisfied (something not being 'enough'). Something being better than before does not automatically make it satisfactory/enough. I like to use a math equation for this: -35 + 20 = -15. If your spouse used to cheat on you everyday (-35) but now only cheats once a month (+20), does that mean you should be happy because 'at least it's not everyday like before' (from -35 to -15). It's not that you're not grateful for the change (+20) but is the outcome (-15) to your satisfaction? Be honest with yourself. When black people strive for real freedom, not this bullshit illusion they feed us, people say 'at least we're not picking cotton anymore'.... ????? When what you're used to is subpar, below the bare minimum, a change in the right direction is indeed something to be grateful for but a lack of satisfaction deems you 'ungrateful'. 

Gratitude does not mean you must be satisfied with the circumstances (does it?). Tbh, I'm still trying to find the balance. When somebody finds you ungrateful, is it a reflection of them? Is it an accurate observation? How can you tell? Probably having a strong sense of self allows you to not take these things personally and maybe just try understanding where that person is coming from. But having a strong sense of self doesn't mean you're above accepting criticism.. Chile... I don't know. If you've gone through those thoughts and came out with something that works for you, feel free to share. 

So your present is better than your past, so you're grateful. Your future seems better than your present, so you're not satisfied. 

What does gratitude look like? Are we thinking about gratitude too rigidly? Are we misguided about what it means to grateful? And, in turn, misguided about what it means to be ungrateful? 

When we try to do the 'right' thing and it is not acknowledged as such, are we misguided in our motives or should we call people out for not appreciating us enough? Do we communicate our issues or 'are we too grown to be telling people what they doing wrong cuz they should know'?

SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH?

Does acknowledging a lack of reciprocity mean that our intentions are not genuine? If you do something 'good' for the sake of doing something 'good' then surely it doesn't matter how it is received, right? Your satisfaction comes from having done the good thing. For example, when I hold a door open and people don't say thank you, I don't get upset. I did my part. I'm not going to stop holding doors because some people don't say thank you. Or I might do something nice for somebody who doesn't appreciate it. I don't regret doing something nice and I won't avoid doing nice things. My satisfaction came from having done the nice thing, not from it being appreciated by someone else. That being said, in long term relationships (where reciprocity is a more important factor), romantic or platonic, mother-daughter, uncle-nephew, whatever... what is the cut off point? Do we lose focus by bringing up the times when the person is being ungrateful? 

Reciprocity is IMPORTANT. We've been taught to give without expecting anything in return and tbh I believe that holds value. But I also think it's been misinterpreted or at least it doesn't give the fine print. I feel satisfied just by giving and doing my part. Simultaneously, I am aware of the lack of reciprocity. I also receive satisfaction from receiving - this is something I had to teach myself over the years. Letting myself receive has been a big deal for me. Allowing yourself to give without expecting anything in return seems to go well with receiving without feeling obligated to give back, no? 

I googled 'reciprocity quotes' and there is so much contradiction in there...

So many of us give with intentions to receive - with the expectation that, that is what is going to be done for us. I saw a video that says courageous people who put their own lives at risk do so because of their faith that others would do the same if the roles were reversed. I thought about what would happen if the roles were indeed reversed and that wasn't the case? Then what are they supposed to think? Some advice says do not expect, it is the quickest way to disappointment. After all, disappointment is the nonfulfillment of one's expectations. So is it that expectations are the problem? Some advice says that expectations are healthy; how else are you meant to determine who and what you want around you? What does it mean to expect? What does expectation look like? Should we accept disappointment as a normal part of life? Instead of avoiding disappointment by avoiding having expectations, is there a way in which we can interact with disappointment in a healthier manner?

And if you are someone who gives because of what you expect to receive, then naturally, when you receive, you almost feel a sense of obligation to return the favour. It is so hard to just accept that something nice was done for you. You feel like you need to do something in return. 'Thank you' is never enough - on both sides. Sometimes you might even be someone who doesn't expect anything in return when you give, but you still have problems receiving without the feeling of needing to give back. So you're the only one capable of being genuine? You don't trust anyone else to be genuine? Are you scared of being called ungrateful? Are you scared of doing the 'wrong' thing or maybe just not doing the 'right' thing?

Maybe when we remove the obligations of expectations? Is that possible? 

I have a really good concept to flesh out this idea but I might get a little off topic so I'll save it for my next blog :). 

Hope you enjoyed.

-Things to think about-

1. What does gratitude look like?
2. How do we know when we are being grateful?
3. What does expectation look like?
4. Can we remove obligation from expectation?
5. How do we manage reciprocity in our lives without perverting our values of what it means to give genuinely?
6. What does 'enough' mean?
7. 'I am enough' is a popular affirmation - what does it mean to be enough? Enough for who? What does that feel like?
8. What is gratitude weighed against?
9. If someone says we are being ungrateful/have done something ungrateful, do we acknowledge why they might think so? Are they expecting too much from you? Are you not giving enough?