Respect Your 'Youngers' II
Good Day loved ones.
If you haven't read the first post on respecting your youngers, feel free to take a quick read through.
http://sativamarley.blogspot.com/2017/03/respect-your-youngers.html
I have a little update today. Actually, maybe more of a proposal. For young folks and older folks alike because most people will experience being a part of both parties.
Young folks, tell me if this sounds familiar:
"Y'all young people think y'all know everything"
"You wouldn't know about that, that was before your time"
"You still young...you eh ready for that yet"
-using words like "child" or "ti mamaille" (little child in Creole) or "girl/boy" in a sentence to undermine the younger person in question or rather, to 'remind' them of their 'place'.
Parents/elders often encourage young people to speak out. They share things on social media (those that know how to use social media) that show how proud they are of the younger generation and the changes they are making in the world. They seem to beam with so much pride...until that young person is their own child..until that innovative and curious mindset seems to challenge them more directly. And then the same mindset they praise becomes a mindset they try to undermine. For no other reason than not wanting to be challenged by someone younger than you for fear of "embarrassment". Why should you be embarrassed? Who said that as an older person you MUST know everything or instead, you MUST know more than everybody who is younger than you? Who said that you cannot learn from children? Who made you believe that you cannot accept correction from a person younger than you? You teach your child a certain value; they uphold that value so much to the point of calling you out when they see you not upholding it yourself. And how is that received? With hostility... In that moment, you have the power to teach your child an important lesson: the importance of the value in question. If you accept correction, that value is re-enforced in the child. If you reject it, it becomes a matter of 'this only applies to young people'. So when they become the adults and they become the parents...the cycle continues. Accepting correction also enforces a very important value that sometimes people make mistakes. I swear, admitting to a mistake seems to be a parent's worst fear and I truly have not come to understand why. Well tbf, most people in general don't like being wrong so farless having to admit it.
What are our youngers here to do? Serve the already established framework which probably worked in previous times but doesn't benefit them? Why? It doesn't benefit them.. Due to the vast amount of changes happening, and so rapidly as well, what we need is innovation. Sets of fresh eyes. Sometimes getting an opinion from someone who has not yet been corrupted by a bias towards towards the current framework is EXACTLY what is needed. And I'm sure many elders might agree with that point (or they won't). But it is easy to agree in theory. What is not easy, is when you are the one with the outdated framework. When you are the one who is being challenged. We want to change the world and make it a better place but the little things we do that silence young people hinder that GREATLY! Everything is connected. How can you want to encourage a child to be confident, to have high self worth and self esteem, to use their voice and to stand up for themselves..and when they do it to you..the one who has encouraged them..you make them feel guilty for it. You silence them by making them believe that their youth is a hindrance. Their age is their downfall. All because YOU do not want to accept correction or admit you were wrong. Building confidence, self esteem, self worth, using your voice, standing up for yourself..it all begins at home. We try to teach our children to defend themselves from bullies and sometimes we're their biggest bully! How does that work?
There was a trending topic on twitter, I can't remember what it was exactly..but it invited tweets about the "parenting privileges" we would use when we have our own children. I didn't want to be a party pooper so I just stayed out of it but it really broke my heart to see how many people were excited to use the same poor, discouraging methods on our own children. Children see adults as POWERFUL. Because they are (and children are too). But some adults are not even aware of their own power..and they can use it so destructively. What makes a parent so powerful that they can choose when to abide by the rules THEY SET and receive no consequences? I don't know..and children don't know either..but they will want to find out. People so excited to be able to tell their children "because I said so." Now I'm not saying that you can't use it...children are very curious and as parents, you are allowed to get frustrated and sometimes you might just not be in the mood to satisfy their curiosity. Totally understandable. What is not fair is using those rebuttals when you are in a tight corner..that instance when you realise you are wrong. Then you use your "parenting privileges" to shut them up. Lest your ego be bruised.
I identify with children very strongly because I have a very curious mind. It can be a blessing and a curse. I am extremely inquisitive because I love to understand things in detail. I like being able to understand things well enough to be able to explain it to anybody of any age. I live for understanding. Unfortunately, my questions, often times, are taken as challenges. Many people do not like my questions because of how my questions make them feel. Fortunately, however, that is not my problem. To quote Willow Smith in her beautiful song, 'Female Energy,' "how you feel is not my problem." The only struggle is that not everybody is willing to answer my questions and I am left somewhat unsatisfied because the other party was not humble enough to admit, "I don't know" or to say "maybe I'm wrong" or "it's making me think too much and I don't like it." Why is it so difficult to be HONEST about our ignorance? That is how we LEARN. You NEVER stop learning! How can you learn if you do not first accept that you do not know? I know what it feels like to have your questions dismissed because of the discomfort it might create for somebody else, but luckily for me, I've had enough experience to understand that's just how some people are (especially in the Caribbean and in black communities - not saying that is the only place/demographic but that is the experience I know of so I rather not speak on elsewhere). A child doesn't have that experience though..so I could only imagine what it's like trying to learn about the world just to have your questions dismissed and you have no idea why. At that point, why should I listen to anything you have to say?
The more you take this approach to your child, the more difficult the child becomes. Children love to test you. From even as young as 1 or 2, they start to see what they can get away with. They also notice what you can get away with. When you justify your wrongdoings to them, it makes them question A LOT of other things you have taught. And so they begin to challenge it even more.
Adults/parents..one way to EARN the respect of your youngers/children is to be honest. Be honest about your ignorance. Be honest about your discomfort. Obviously, we will not always be able to get it right but give an honest effort. Your child deserves it. YOU deserve it. I cannot imagine anything more beautiful than my child reminding me of the lessons I've taught them. It lets me know that they've been listening, that they've been observant. Praise your child for having ideas that are better and more suitable than yours. Don't allow ego to punish your children.
And lastly, please use questions properly. Do not ask questions to "hint" things towards people.
For e.g.- sometimes I ask people why they're doing something in a certain way..
"Why you doing it like that?"
And I'm met with responses like..
"Well come and do it better since you know so much.."
"So what happen to how I doing it?"
Or the person might just change the way they're doing it..
Fam...I asked one simple question. All it required was an answer. But because so many people use the "question" as a way to tell somebody "nicely" to do things differently or to subtly tell somebody to change what they're doing, that is how many people choose to interpret it. We feel so challenged so easily.
Use questions to help you understand things better not to avoid being assertive.
When asked a question that invites discomfort, stop for a few seconds before responding. Let the person know you're thinking or that you will answer shortly. Even if and ESPECIALLY if it's a younger person. This thinking that some adults have that younger people don't deserve certain courtesies is trash. If it invites discomfort, stop and try to understand that discomfort before accusing the person of anything. That discomfort is YOURS. They may have never intended for that so do not punish them.
When asked a question, try to answer it as best as you can and if you can't then admit it.
And to adults that use "when you have your own children you'll see" as a way to further undermine your children..well. Yes, raising children is difficult. Yes, parenting is the hardest, most rewarding thing in life. Yes, children can turn your world upside down. And yes, you were once one of these children. Instead of being excited to use your parenting privileges to silence your children or rather to disrespect your children, remember what it felt like to be in the shoes of the child. Remember what it felt like to be bullied into silence by a parent in one minute and then encouraged to speak up for yourself in the next. Children have feelings. Children deserve respect. They are our future leaders. Treat them well in their youth so they may treat you well in your old age.
Always remember: "Once an adult, twice a child."
Respect Your Youngers.
If you haven't read the first post on respecting your youngers, feel free to take a quick read through.
http://sativamarley.blogspot.com/2017/03/respect-your-youngers.html
I have a little update today. Actually, maybe more of a proposal. For young folks and older folks alike because most people will experience being a part of both parties.
Young folks, tell me if this sounds familiar:
"Y'all young people think y'all know everything"
"You wouldn't know about that, that was before your time"
"You still young...you eh ready for that yet"
-using words like "child" or "ti mamaille" (little child in Creole) or "girl/boy" in a sentence to undermine the younger person in question or rather, to 'remind' them of their 'place'.
Parents/elders often encourage young people to speak out. They share things on social media (those that know how to use social media) that show how proud they are of the younger generation and the changes they are making in the world. They seem to beam with so much pride...until that young person is their own child..until that innovative and curious mindset seems to challenge them more directly. And then the same mindset they praise becomes a mindset they try to undermine. For no other reason than not wanting to be challenged by someone younger than you for fear of "embarrassment". Why should you be embarrassed? Who said that as an older person you MUST know everything or instead, you MUST know more than everybody who is younger than you? Who said that you cannot learn from children? Who made you believe that you cannot accept correction from a person younger than you? You teach your child a certain value; they uphold that value so much to the point of calling you out when they see you not upholding it yourself. And how is that received? With hostility... In that moment, you have the power to teach your child an important lesson: the importance of the value in question. If you accept correction, that value is re-enforced in the child. If you reject it, it becomes a matter of 'this only applies to young people'. So when they become the adults and they become the parents...the cycle continues. Accepting correction also enforces a very important value that sometimes people make mistakes. I swear, admitting to a mistake seems to be a parent's worst fear and I truly have not come to understand why. Well tbf, most people in general don't like being wrong so farless having to admit it.
What are our youngers here to do? Serve the already established framework which probably worked in previous times but doesn't benefit them? Why? It doesn't benefit them.. Due to the vast amount of changes happening, and so rapidly as well, what we need is innovation. Sets of fresh eyes. Sometimes getting an opinion from someone who has not yet been corrupted by a bias towards towards the current framework is EXACTLY what is needed. And I'm sure many elders might agree with that point (or they won't). But it is easy to agree in theory. What is not easy, is when you are the one with the outdated framework. When you are the one who is being challenged. We want to change the world and make it a better place but the little things we do that silence young people hinder that GREATLY! Everything is connected. How can you want to encourage a child to be confident, to have high self worth and self esteem, to use their voice and to stand up for themselves..and when they do it to you..the one who has encouraged them..you make them feel guilty for it. You silence them by making them believe that their youth is a hindrance. Their age is their downfall. All because YOU do not want to accept correction or admit you were wrong. Building confidence, self esteem, self worth, using your voice, standing up for yourself..it all begins at home. We try to teach our children to defend themselves from bullies and sometimes we're their biggest bully! How does that work?
There was a trending topic on twitter, I can't remember what it was exactly..but it invited tweets about the "parenting privileges" we would use when we have our own children. I didn't want to be a party pooper so I just stayed out of it but it really broke my heart to see how many people were excited to use the same poor, discouraging methods on our own children. Children see adults as POWERFUL. Because they are (and children are too). But some adults are not even aware of their own power..and they can use it so destructively. What makes a parent so powerful that they can choose when to abide by the rules THEY SET and receive no consequences? I don't know..and children don't know either..but they will want to find out. People so excited to be able to tell their children "because I said so." Now I'm not saying that you can't use it...children are very curious and as parents, you are allowed to get frustrated and sometimes you might just not be in the mood to satisfy their curiosity. Totally understandable. What is not fair is using those rebuttals when you are in a tight corner..that instance when you realise you are wrong. Then you use your "parenting privileges" to shut them up. Lest your ego be bruised.
I identify with children very strongly because I have a very curious mind. It can be a blessing and a curse. I am extremely inquisitive because I love to understand things in detail. I like being able to understand things well enough to be able to explain it to anybody of any age. I live for understanding. Unfortunately, my questions, often times, are taken as challenges. Many people do not like my questions because of how my questions make them feel. Fortunately, however, that is not my problem. To quote Willow Smith in her beautiful song, 'Female Energy,' "how you feel is not my problem." The only struggle is that not everybody is willing to answer my questions and I am left somewhat unsatisfied because the other party was not humble enough to admit, "I don't know" or to say "maybe I'm wrong" or "it's making me think too much and I don't like it." Why is it so difficult to be HONEST about our ignorance? That is how we LEARN. You NEVER stop learning! How can you learn if you do not first accept that you do not know? I know what it feels like to have your questions dismissed because of the discomfort it might create for somebody else, but luckily for me, I've had enough experience to understand that's just how some people are (especially in the Caribbean and in black communities - not saying that is the only place/demographic but that is the experience I know of so I rather not speak on elsewhere). A child doesn't have that experience though..so I could only imagine what it's like trying to learn about the world just to have your questions dismissed and you have no idea why. At that point, why should I listen to anything you have to say?
The more you take this approach to your child, the more difficult the child becomes. Children love to test you. From even as young as 1 or 2, they start to see what they can get away with. They also notice what you can get away with. When you justify your wrongdoings to them, it makes them question A LOT of other things you have taught. And so they begin to challenge it even more.
Adults/parents..one way to EARN the respect of your youngers/children is to be honest. Be honest about your ignorance. Be honest about your discomfort. Obviously, we will not always be able to get it right but give an honest effort. Your child deserves it. YOU deserve it. I cannot imagine anything more beautiful than my child reminding me of the lessons I've taught them. It lets me know that they've been listening, that they've been observant. Praise your child for having ideas that are better and more suitable than yours. Don't allow ego to punish your children.
And lastly, please use questions properly. Do not ask questions to "hint" things towards people.
For e.g.- sometimes I ask people why they're doing something in a certain way..
"Why you doing it like that?"
And I'm met with responses like..
"Well come and do it better since you know so much.."
"So what happen to how I doing it?"
Or the person might just change the way they're doing it..
Fam...I asked one simple question. All it required was an answer. But because so many people use the "question" as a way to tell somebody "nicely" to do things differently or to subtly tell somebody to change what they're doing, that is how many people choose to interpret it. We feel so challenged so easily.
Use questions to help you understand things better not to avoid being assertive.
When asked a question that invites discomfort, stop for a few seconds before responding. Let the person know you're thinking or that you will answer shortly. Even if and ESPECIALLY if it's a younger person. This thinking that some adults have that younger people don't deserve certain courtesies is trash. If it invites discomfort, stop and try to understand that discomfort before accusing the person of anything. That discomfort is YOURS. They may have never intended for that so do not punish them.
When asked a question, try to answer it as best as you can and if you can't then admit it.
And to adults that use "when you have your own children you'll see" as a way to further undermine your children..well. Yes, raising children is difficult. Yes, parenting is the hardest, most rewarding thing in life. Yes, children can turn your world upside down. And yes, you were once one of these children. Instead of being excited to use your parenting privileges to silence your children or rather to disrespect your children, remember what it felt like to be in the shoes of the child. Remember what it felt like to be bullied into silence by a parent in one minute and then encouraged to speak up for yourself in the next. Children have feelings. Children deserve respect. They are our future leaders. Treat them well in their youth so they may treat you well in your old age.
Always remember: "Once an adult, twice a child."
Respect Your Youngers.
love this!!!!!!!!!!!
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